at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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