I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
