he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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