1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
