if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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