I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
