sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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