Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
FUCK WHALES
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My feet surprised me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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