I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize