we're chasing vodka with high fives
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
