i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
