Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
