i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
