The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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