totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
