dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
