just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
