i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I could make wine with my vomit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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