I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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