my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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