I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
