Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize