he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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