Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize