Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
