Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
