You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
