Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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