if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this is an emotional support booty call
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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