Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My penis needs a shock collar
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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