you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
