You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
