East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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