Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
