Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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