I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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