It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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