Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My ass is underappreciated
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
