the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
