he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
