I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
