why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
high people should be assigned attendants
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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