i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
