im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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