her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
