This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You dont lie about slip and slides
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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