Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
