I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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