zippers are such a cool invention
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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