HIV tests are more positive than that guy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
