Your face is a jimmy john
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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