It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have fence marks all over my body
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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