I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Green mimosas i think yes
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
