She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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