I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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