I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize