Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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