Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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