Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
