i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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