Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
