I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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