I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
