Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
